A true love story

My marriage - Love or arranged?

Since long I’ve heard this question of whether mine was a love marriage or an arranged one. I’ve always found it difficult to figure it out myself. For those who had time and patience I could narrate it, but for others I promised I’ll blog it. It’s almost a year since I got married and I’m taking some time off to do it now for those who are eager to know. If you are interested in knowing only how it happened then click on 'A true love story.' But if you want to know much more and if you have time, continue reading.

For quite long my parents were so much worried about my marriage. They wondered if I will ever get married considering my background. Still I didn’t accept whatever proposals they brought. I kept away from confession and church because I felt there is no point in it as I keep hurting them and I couldn’t give any respite. I pretended as if I didn’t see the tears in my mom’s eyes. So far in my life I haven’t come across anything tougher than disagreeing to the proposals my parents brought. Yet I did. Everyone felt humiliated and my parents even said they won’t get me anymore proposals. I myself wonder at times how I could do that, being a person who agrees to even someone who wants to stab me.

            Many people asked me the same doubts my parents had in their mind – am I not interested in getting married. Well, to tell the truth the thought of marriage was a seed that started sprouting unknowingly during my schooldays itself. I always cut off the thoughts and kept a distance from girls because flirting was considered as one of the worst things in my family. It was ‘don’t-even-look-at-a-girl’ kind of training I got from childhood. And to add on to it was the reputation of the family for which I had to toe the line.

           

            Often I used to tell my friends that God was too busy blessing me that He forgot to create a girl for me. Though I was very much sure about the former, I wasn’t quite sure about the latter part. Yet I was happy the way I was. So much of freedom, no tensions, no worries, enjoying life as it comes. And like the small story 'Gift,' which I wrote long ago, I believed that if there is a girl for me I’ll get married even if it’s at the age of 60 or 70, no matter how young she is. That was my faith in God and love.

Though I was poor at mathematics I kept on doing it in this matter through the years, through what I saw and heard from experiences of people around the world. My expectations, doubts, fears, views – I was trying to mould something out of it. Few of them were even funny.

Long ago, as the matter of proposals came up, my parents were taken for surprise when I told that I want a girl who is good in English. My brother teased me on this. I too found it funny at a later stage. But I said this because I felt that for proper understanding there should be proper communication. And for proper communication it’s not necessary that the person knows the language, but should know it better, especially in my case. This is because of the way I speak or write. Most of my friends have complained that they don’t understand my messages though I try my best to make it as simple as possible. At times I keep it that way because I feel that treasures are to be searched and it will be sought only by those who are interested. For others even if they get it in hand it’ll be just a piece of waste. 

            Coming back, was it that I was scared of marriage? Up to some extend I agree. I believed that everything depended on the girl because I was sure of how much I can love. I was afraid that if I get a girl who doesn’t need my love, then what ever love I have in my heart will go waste. Though I loved my friends I’ve always made sure not to show it fully because, as I always told them, I believed that friends are not for ever and one day or the other we got to say good bye. I came to believe that it’s the family that stays together through the good times and bad till the end. Even though friends want to stay they’ll have their near and dear ones to be taken care of, who will pull them away, and it wouldn’t be right for me to be in between them. In the case of my marriage I preferred to take it till the grave unless the girl doesn’t want it that way.

            Initially, being a typical mallu, I just wanted to get married whom my parents arrange for me. But as time passed by my views changed. At one point in time I felt that I cannot agree to an arranged marriage at all. I felt that there will be no proper understanding between the couples in arranged marriage and there will be love and understanding only in love marriage. But as time passed by I realized that what matters is the person. For some people love marriage is best, but for others arranged. Problem comes when there is a mix up because of the expectations. Getting the right partner is a miracle. And from my experience I believe that it’s all God’s grace and mercy that will lead to it. And in the long run I based my idea of marriage to love and understanding and hence love or arranged would make no difference.

            Thinking about the problems in the world, what the western world has been experiencing for quite some time and what we have started facing recently I got some insights. If I don’t need anyone to take care of me and I want to be independent then I need not think of a person in my life. If it’s just someone who takes care of me then I can hire a servant. But if I’m looking for a partner who takes care of me with love then only I should get married. More over I didn’t want our children to be deprived of love. Hence I felt that the girl I marry should not go for work. This was another criterion that I kept for the proposals my parents bring. Everyone criticized me for that. What they failed to understand was that I say this not because I consider her as my slave, but because I want her love. I never considered anyone lower to me because that’s the way I was brought up. To be precise, my sister had more preference in our family than me or my brother.

           

            This matter didn’t go well even with the priest to whom I went for confession. When I told him that my parents are worried and the reason is my marriage he asked me why I’m not accepting any proposals. As I told him no girl would agree my conditions he didn’t let me complete my confession. He asked me to stop confession and go and think of my narrow mindedness. I had to go back and sit in front of Lord and ponder about it. It actually made me think. Though I haven’t found the other side of it, that incident did make me realize one thing – that I should respect others’ views no matter it is right or wrong. I can take a decision to follow what is right or wrong according to me, but I shouldn’t impose it on to others. They have every right to follow what is right or wrong according to them just as I do.

            Initially I used to think that the one whom I marry should be beautiful. But as I grew up it changed because I felt that beauty will fade and I won’t be able to love that person anymore. Then I started looking for inner beauty.

In due course there was a sea change in my views and stance on marriage. I knew that God knows me better than anyone else inside out. And knowing very well that He knows me better than myself and what is best for me and that only He can provide me with the best, I started praying God for the grace to accept the girl that He provides me, from the bottom of my heart no matter how good or bad she is. Often my request was only to give me a girl who can accept my love in its fullness. But He not only did that, but gave me a girl who can love me as well.   

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We the Indians and media

How much of an Indian are we? The Jacintha, the Savita, the attack on Indians in Australia etc., that makes it to the headlines of our dailies. makes me wonder how much of an Indian an Indian in India is and how much of it is an Indian who lives abroad is. True, an Indian will remain an Indian by birth and by going abroad our economy is only improving. But the coverage given to what is happening to them seems to be going off the board.

There are few questions that arise based on the massive coverage media gives on such issues neglecting what’s happening around us. Is it because there is nothing bad happening in India or is it that we are so perfect, as we are trying to project ourselves, the reason behind it? Or is it that the suicides, murders, rapes, evil practices such as honor killing etc., a part of our daily life and deem right in our sight for which it should not be addressed? Or is it because our reporters have become so incapable of reporting what’s happening around us that they just got to copy a report that comes in the media abroad? Or is it that they are scared that they’ll be behind bars or come under attack for bringing out the realities around us?

I only wish if we could correct ourselves before correcting others, and fight against the vast problems we face within than the few problems we face from others. That doesn’t mean incidents of Indians’ plight abroad need to be neglected, but giving too much of an importance on those matters maek no good. Calling ourselves great will never make us one, but a laughing stock. Let’s prove others what we can do and be praised by others instead of priding ourselves on the zero our ancestors found. Let’s focus on taking ourselves out of the slush we are in.

Which party you follow

  How many of us are aware of the ideologies the parties we follow carry? How many of us even follow a party based on ideologies for that matter? Majority of the youth now is unaware of the ideologies of parties as they are least bothered about what's happening around and are not even ready to vote. Politics has become untouchable these days. There was a time people knew well the idieologies and for that very reason followed the parties.

  I'm not sure how many of the educated people even know about the different parties that exist in Indian politics nation-wise or state-wise. Of course even I'm not aware of the number of parties because every now and then a new party is formed. I would like to share my knowledge about few mainstream parties in the current scenario.

  Most part of India after Independence was ruled by the Congress party. So let me start with them. It's a party that started off with the best of ideologies as far as I know. It was a party that upheld non-violence which is the basic essence of our great nation. The party seems to be good diplomatically too. India has indeed got a respectable place in the world under their leadership. 

  Another good thing I find in the party is their efforts to bring the voiceless and downtrodden. Anyone who has a compassionate heart would appreciate it. The opportunities they created for the SC/ST, minorities, etc. are exemplary, though it has become more of a nuisance these days.

  But all their good deeds are wiped off with corruption and in-fights. Maybe because most of them are capable of becoming leaders, everyone wants to become one. It's evident in the breakups and the groups that has been formed in itself. In Kerala, one of the states where Congress survived for long has groups ranging from A to Z I guess. Everyone has his own group. Though they have the same ideology they stand separate. Corruption has overtaken all other developments, in figures that we might need a supercomputer to count.

  In the regional level the party is in shatters in Karnataka. Though they have many efficient leaders it's a divided lot who will only concentrate on pulling each others' legs if given a chance. I doubt if they will sustain even for a month no matter they emerge as majority. They doesn't seem to learn any lessons from their loss. Selfishness rule over the party very badly.

  Now, coming to BJP, the second largest party, that shot into limelight with communal passion, it's a party who claims to be a party with difference. True, so far the difference I could notice are in terms of creating hatred and dividing the country and fooling and bringing bad name to its own people. The ideology it proclaims is of Hindutva and they fight for a Hindu nation. It's a dangerous dream they sell to their cadres who blindly believe in their leaders.

  Their leaders very well took them for a ride and got what they need. Now that they have achieved it, they are slowly getting into business. The reason why I say they have taken it's own people for a ride is because inciting religious passion was the only way the leadership could think of to bring down the supremacy of Congress. Maybe because most of their leaders jumped out of Congress they still carry the traces of Congress nature, though not of non-violence. For this reason I feel the policies are more or less the same as that of Congress. I believe top leaders like Vajpayee and Adwani knows better how the whole system works. Their diplomacy is evident in the way they handled Kandhahar hijacking as well as Babri-Masjid dispute when they were in power with absolute majority. Their cadre still dream of waging a war with Pakistan and building a Temple at Ayodhya. But their leadership has long forgotten the dream that they sold. The stance of Narendra Modi, the CM of Gujarat, on minorities is just an example.

  It's a party that can instill more youth into it because youth is always active and it can very well be tapped by the violent nature of the party. It instills lot of energy while at the same time insecurity feeling as well as hatred in young minds. It has taken its toll to such an extend that they term their own brothers and sisters who doesn't follow their ideologies as foreigners.  

  Though it's a party that holds communalism at its helm minorities are more safe under them. They enjoy more benefits and security under their rule. There were attacks against minorities under Congress rule but no actions were taken. But when BJP is in power you can't even toss a stone at a church or a mosque. That's what I've learned from their rule in Karnataka.

  And now a new party has risen promising some hope, the Aam Aadmi party by Kejariwal. It was the need of the hour. But can we survive just by fighting against corruption? I haven't come across him speaking anything about what he can do for our nation other than eradicating corruption. He should know that there are other problems too that we are facing. Does he have any agenda to build our nation along with eradicating corruption? And even if he succeeds to build a party his own people will become corrupted soon just as any other party is. In this world where no one follows anything that is ethical will he be able to make any difference? Maybe he will be able to stand tall, but what about others who will join him? Almost every party is against corruption, but it's the party people who gives it a bad name. So his party will only eat into the already confused electorate. 

  Coming to other small yet significant parties, SP seems to fair well against others. Though more of a regional party it plays a very important role in the national arena often with their surprise twists and turns. Akhilesh Yadav, who is the CM of UP now, seemed to do a good job considering his education and youthfulness. The party seems to have a violent past. Hope it'll change for better. They themselves are not aware of their ideologies just as they proved in the case of FDI. I'm not sure of their ideologies either. I hope they'll do something good in UP. In the national level they doesn't seem to have any idea how to run it.

  BSP under Mayavati was looked up at to have taken UP out of the clutches of SP who used to rule with their power. But she proved everyone wrong by her lust for self portrayal and pride. Being a woman who came from the lower caste, she was expected to do something for the poor. But she went on taking everything from the poor to fulfill her fancies. She had to eat the humble pie and is sidelined very badly. Yet she still plays a key role in the national politics since numbers play a vital role in politics. Not sure about their ideologies either. 

  Trinamool Congress under Mamata Banerjee, often takes the country for ransom in the name of poor. Not sure if she's trying to fool herself or if she doesn't know the reality of how a nation moves. It was a shock for the mighty Communists who held Bengalis under its fist for such a long time to bite the dust. But for Mamata pride soon took the toll as in the case of Mayavati. Time has to prove how long she will survive if this is the way she's going to continue. Few of her policies are against the nation at large. If her policies are to be taken into account everyone will starve one day.

  Communists, one of the dangerous party, maybe the only party that can take BJP head on in terms of muscle power. Their ideology is great sans violence as it stands for equality. If everyone follows it willingly life can't be better than that. But as a matter of fact it's utopian, considering majority of us being selfish. Their own leaders live a lavish life preaching about equality when their cadres die in the streets. They'll neither live nor let others live. Kerala is the best example of how backward it can take us. Communists are totally against development. They will take us back to stone age. Kerala would have been the top most in India considering the educated people and hard work they do anywhere else other than in Kerala. 

  Long back most of their cadres knew what they follow. Most of them used to read books of great revolutionaries and followed it at the cost of their lives. They were ready to kill as well as to die. They take it to the street every now and then and bloodshed is all that'll be left. Ironically it's the poor whom they fight for that has to bear the brunt, other than the cops. Their revolution and muscle power is good in places where there is no freedom, but in a modern society it's a disaster.  

  Janata Dal was once a competitor before BJP took centrestage. Though this party has lost its sheen they still is in the loop. They too, coming out from the Congress party seems to have the same ideologies from where they came from. Being a party of farmers they fail to understand the need of other sections of society in regional level. In national level they have some good leaders. I believe that this is another party that upholds non-violence because I haven't come across any violent behavior in general. 

  Regionally, in Karnataka, based on the current scenario, JDS under Kumaraswamy  seems to be the best bet since Congress is busy fighting against each other even before elections and BJP too following the same and also deep neck in corruption. JDS so far had been under one leadership and the followers seems to have no in fights like the other parties. 

  These are my views based on my observations. It need not hold good with everyone. Everyone has a belief. I believe I am rationale and never let emotions take over realities. So if you feel I'm wrong you may let me know with reasons and surely I'll change myself if I'm wrong.