My marriage - Love or arranged?

Since long I’ve heard this question of whether mine was a love marriage or an arranged one. I’ve always found it difficult to figure it out myself. For those who had time and patience I could narrate it, but for others I promised I’ll blog it. It’s almost a year since I got married and I’m taking some time off to do it now for those who are eager to know. If you are interested in knowing only how it happened then click on 'A true love story.' But if you want to know much more and if you have time, continue reading.

For quite long my parents were so much worried about my marriage. They wondered if I will ever get married considering my background. Still I didn’t accept whatever proposals they brought. I kept away from confession and church because I felt there is no point in it as I keep hurting them and I couldn’t give any respite. I pretended as if I didn’t see the tears in my mom’s eyes. So far in my life I haven’t come across anything tougher than disagreeing to the proposals my parents brought. Yet I did. Everyone felt humiliated and my parents even said they won’t get me anymore proposals. I myself wonder at times how I could do that, being a person who agrees to even someone who wants to stab me.

            Many people asked me the same doubts my parents had in their mind – am I not interested in getting married. Well, to tell the truth the thought of marriage was a seed that started sprouting unknowingly during my schooldays itself. I always cut off the thoughts and kept a distance from girls because flirting was considered as one of the worst things in my family. It was ‘don’t-even-look-at-a-girl’ kind of training I got from childhood. And to add on to it was the reputation of the family for which I had to toe the line.

           

            Often I used to tell my friends that God was too busy blessing me that He forgot to create a girl for me. Though I was very much sure about the former, I wasn’t quite sure about the latter part. Yet I was happy the way I was. So much of freedom, no tensions, no worries, enjoying life as it comes. And like the small story 'Gift,' which I wrote long ago, I believed that if there is a girl for me I’ll get married even if it’s at the age of 60 or 70, no matter how young she is. That was my faith in God and love.

Though I was poor at mathematics I kept on doing it in this matter through the years, through what I saw and heard from experiences of people around the world. My expectations, doubts, fears, views – I was trying to mould something out of it. Few of them were even funny.

Long ago, as the matter of proposals came up, my parents were taken for surprise when I told that I want a girl who is good in English. My brother teased me on this. I too found it funny at a later stage. But I said this because I felt that for proper understanding there should be proper communication. And for proper communication it’s not necessary that the person knows the language, but should know it better, especially in my case. This is because of the way I speak or write. Most of my friends have complained that they don’t understand my messages though I try my best to make it as simple as possible. At times I keep it that way because I feel that treasures are to be searched and it will be sought only by those who are interested. For others even if they get it in hand it’ll be just a piece of waste. 

            Coming back, was it that I was scared of marriage? Up to some extend I agree. I believed that everything depended on the girl because I was sure of how much I can love. I was afraid that if I get a girl who doesn’t need my love, then what ever love I have in my heart will go waste. Though I loved my friends I’ve always made sure not to show it fully because, as I always told them, I believed that friends are not for ever and one day or the other we got to say good bye. I came to believe that it’s the family that stays together through the good times and bad till the end. Even though friends want to stay they’ll have their near and dear ones to be taken care of, who will pull them away, and it wouldn’t be right for me to be in between them. In the case of my marriage I preferred to take it till the grave unless the girl doesn’t want it that way.

            Initially, being a typical mallu, I just wanted to get married whom my parents arrange for me. But as time passed by my views changed. At one point in time I felt that I cannot agree to an arranged marriage at all. I felt that there will be no proper understanding between the couples in arranged marriage and there will be love and understanding only in love marriage. But as time passed by I realized that what matters is the person. For some people love marriage is best, but for others arranged. Problem comes when there is a mix up because of the expectations. Getting the right partner is a miracle. And from my experience I believe that it’s all God’s grace and mercy that will lead to it. And in the long run I based my idea of marriage to love and understanding and hence love or arranged would make no difference.

            Thinking about the problems in the world, what the western world has been experiencing for quite some time and what we have started facing recently I got some insights. If I don’t need anyone to take care of me and I want to be independent then I need not think of a person in my life. If it’s just someone who takes care of me then I can hire a servant. But if I’m looking for a partner who takes care of me with love then only I should get married. More over I didn’t want our children to be deprived of love. Hence I felt that the girl I marry should not go for work. This was another criterion that I kept for the proposals my parents bring. Everyone criticized me for that. What they failed to understand was that I say this not because I consider her as my slave, but because I want her love. I never considered anyone lower to me because that’s the way I was brought up. To be precise, my sister had more preference in our family than me or my brother.

           

            This matter didn’t go well even with the priest to whom I went for confession. When I told him that my parents are worried and the reason is my marriage he asked me why I’m not accepting any proposals. As I told him no girl would agree my conditions he didn’t let me complete my confession. He asked me to stop confession and go and think of my narrow mindedness. I had to go back and sit in front of Lord and ponder about it. It actually made me think. Though I haven’t found the other side of it, that incident did make me realize one thing – that I should respect others’ views no matter it is right or wrong. I can take a decision to follow what is right or wrong according to me, but I shouldn’t impose it on to others. They have every right to follow what is right or wrong according to them just as I do.

            Initially I used to think that the one whom I marry should be beautiful. But as I grew up it changed because I felt that beauty will fade and I won’t be able to love that person anymore. Then I started looking for inner beauty.

In due course there was a sea change in my views and stance on marriage. I knew that God knows me better than anyone else inside out. And knowing very well that He knows me better than myself and what is best for me and that only He can provide me with the best, I started praying God for the grace to accept the girl that He provides me, from the bottom of my heart no matter how good or bad she is. Often my request was only to give me a girl who can accept my love in its fullness. But He not only did that, but gave me a girl who can love me as well.   

-------------------------------------------------------------

           

            Iniya, that’s her name. I met her in the youth group of Vijayanagar church where I used to go. I didn’t know much about her and didn’t speak much to her either. She was just like any other friend of mine but I kept a distance. All we did was greet each other when we met or left from the group. I didn’t notice her to fall in love with her. And she too never had any kind of feeling towards me.

            It was while returning from a youth trip that I got acquainted to her sister Melba. She started off by complaining that I don’t speak. I told her that I was trying to avoid being a nuisance. She challenged me to speak and I warned her that it’s a bad idea. She still insisted. And I opened up. Everyone was pretty much tired in the mini van and fell asleep soon. I didn’t stop though her eyes were falling and she begged me to stop. Finally around 2 or 2.30 in the morning I felt pity for her and let her sleep. Since then we used to have casual chats whenever we meet and I used to send her messages as I used to do to other friends.  

            After that incident I met both of them at the youth group and at special occasions at church. I still kept a distance with both. It was to such an extent that I even changed my route back home since I saw them going before me as I was returning from church one day. I thought they stay somewhere in my area and that is their regular route and I didn’t want to be a flirt who follows anyone. The last I heard from Melba was an invitation to her marriage.

            Once Melba got married she stopped coming to our church. As I follow the policy of not keeping in touch with married girls, so as to avoid any problems cropping up due to doubts, I got cut off with her. If I’m right it was after that that Iniya spoke to me one day when we were doing some decorations for our church. She told me about her confusion on studies and I spoke to her what I felt is good for her. After that both of them were not seen in our church. I thought they got shifted from there.

              

            After many months, or perhaps a year or two, as I was riding, with lots of thoughts crisscrossing my mind, and marriage being one of them, all of a sudden Iniya’s name came to my mind. It was a shock for me because I never ever thought of her beyond any of my friends. I just shook it off my mind and started thinking of something else. But it was too strong and it didn’t get off of my mind. I wondered if it's a sign of God. Once I got back home I called up Fr. Steve, who was in our church but placed in Mangalore then, and spoke to him about this. He said it might be just a feeling and he cannot say much about it. Though I took her contact number I just ignored it because I didn’t want to spoil the friendship we had. More over I was not in love with her and also not sure if she is engaged with someone else.

            Messages are, I believe, the best way to keep in touch with friends without disturbing them in their busy schedules. And only those who are eager to keep in touch will reply to it. Since I got her contact number I introduced myself and asked her how her sister is doing. I got the reply for that.         Like anyone else I started messaging her. But there was no response from her side. So like any other friend whom I stop messaging if I feel they are not interested in keeping the relation, I stopped messaging her soon. After a very long time I got a message from her saying that she’s shifting to a new location and that she’ll miss me. I replied that I neither understand nor do I believe she’ll miss me because we were not in touch with each other. After that I never heard from her.

            Time moved on and so did my life. I quit my job and took up videography as my profession, which was my passion, meanwhile helping and giving tips for few audio visual programs. I happened to meet Patrick and from then our journey started together. He was there with me like a shadow for most of the programs, managing lot of things. Since he was away from his family I used to visit him often and go out for a cup of tea. Since I had to go to my editor Shaji, who stayed near his place in SG palya, almost everyday to give or take videos, it became a routine to visit Patrick and spend time with him.

            One day, on our way near his house we happened to meet Sowmya. Initially I thought she was Patrick’s friend but later came to know that she knew me as I had done a role in one of the skits which she had seen some time back. Unexpectedly she asked me if I knew Iniya. I was quite surprised because I’d almost forgotten her and wondered how she knew her. So I asked her if it’s the Iniya from Vijayanagar. She wasn’t sure about it. Since I knew only one person in that name I said I know someone from Vijaynagar in that name. She said she’s her room mate and that she stays in a hostel nearby. I asked her to convey my regards.

            Everything went on as usual and after a long time we happened to meet Sowmya again. I remembered that Iniya stays with her and hence I enquired about her and asked to convey my regards. In few days time I got a message from an unknown number saying: “this is my new number, Iniya.” I just laughed at it because I’d already deleted her old number since we were not in touch. I didn’t save the new number either because I didn’t feel there is any need for that.

            After few weeks or months I got a forwarded message from an unknown number. Since I didn’t know who it was I requested to reveal the identity. I got a reply asking me to find out who it is. I shot back saying I won’t do that and if you feel like revealing yourself you may reveal. I got the reply saying let it be a suspense then. I replied: “fine, let it be so.” And it ended there.

           

            Later, one day, as my message box was getting filled up I sat to delete the messages. I stumbled on the message from Iniya saying this is the new number. Since there was no other message from any unknown number after that incident I cross checked the number and came to know it’s from her. So I sent a message saying I found out who it is. Then I asked her how she’s doing.

            Soon after that Patrick had to leave to his home town for a month. But since I had to go to my editor’s place often I thought I can meet Iniya and spent some time because she’s staying away from her family and it might give her some relief. I wasn’t sure if she would like that idea. Anyways I messaged her asking if she’s okay to join for a cup of tea any day if she’s free. She responded positively. But then it didn’t happen because I had to wait for a day in which my timing and her timing will match. And one fine day it happened.

            We just had a cup of tea over a casual chat and went our way. After few days again we got time to come together. And then onwards whenever she could make herself free once she’s back from college and if I’m around we met. Meanwhile I told her that I can meet her only because my friend Patrick is out of town and once he’s back I’ll not be able to meet her. She was fine with it.

            And the day came when Patrick was back. But by then, by the turn of events I felt that if these things had to happen as per God's plan it should be the continuation of that tiny spark which I had few years back. And if it’s His will it will happen without any hitch. So I thought I should speak to her and find out if she’s okay with it. Anyway I didn’t have a feeling for her and I believed that she too won’t have a feeling towards me. And there were lot of things to be sorted out before any conclusion. So I planned to meet her again. And when I met her I told her about this feeling I had and made it clear that it’s not that I’m in love with her or that I’m taking this as the ultimate move. I also told her that she need not agree to it just because of the reluctance to say no to me. I gave her the freedom to decide and not to stick on to it, but to wait for the family’s approval without which I cannot accept though it’s me who is keeping the proposal forward.

            She was shocked as she never thought of me more than as a friend, just as I considered her, and also never expected me to say such a thing. I reiterated not to consider this as done, and neither will I consider it so, until and unless her family agrees to it. I told her all my negatives and the problems she might face and asked her to think of the future before coming to a conclusion. I also asked her to forget about all that has happened if she has someone else in mind or if she cannot think of me that way. I guess she left with a heavy heart that day.

            Later I got a message saying that she doesn’t want to think of it because it might affect her exams which is on its way. I felt she’s saying so because she doesn’t want to say no directly to me and I confirmed it when she asked if we can just be friends and be so in future too. I agreed to it and I didn’t want to proceed it ay further. But to my surprise I got a message next day asking if my parents will agree and that she’s afraid to put it across to her parents. This is when I felt more of it as a God’s plan because neither me nor she had anything towards each other, but all that was there was just that spark I felt long ago. I told we’ll meet and discuss about it.

            Next time we met I once again asked her not to keep anything in mind and it’ll happen only if her parents agree and if not to forget it. I told that my parents only think of my well being and are open to anything. If I’m happy they’ll be more than happy. She said she’s afraid to present it to her parents and they’ll only object to it. I said it’s fine and since I know her sister I can speak to her first. Though reluctantly she agreed to that because that was the only way it could be presented to her family.

            So one fine day we met at a food joint and Iniya left the place citing some reason leaving Melba and her son Eric with me. I spoke to her casually and finally I put the matter across. She would have got the shock of her life I thought. But to my surprise she was more than willing to speak to her parents. Since she knew something about me she was very happy. One step cleared and now the greatest hurdle is how to convince her parents. I kept my fingers crossed and still didn’t inform my parents as I didn’t want to give them a false hope. I wasn’t nervous or anxious because I believed that if it’s God’s will it will happen and if not it might be someone else or maybe even not. 

             And now the time has come for Melba to speak to her parents. She put it across to them. Things weren’t too smooth, though it was really smoother than anything else in life. At first they were in a shock that something came up all of a sudden. But as Melba said that she knows me and my nature they were kind of relieved. And then there were no positives but only negatives when they started asking about me. The first one was my education. They couldn’t agree to it. But then she could convince them. But then what about the job? Oh, a videographer? Well, I can only agree to their concern because back in my own house that is what I faced from my parents and relatives when I first spoke to them that I want to get into this field. But, anyways, God has His plans that are greater than what we can imagine. Now, what about the age? Oh, No, how can it happen? With such an age difference how will they ever be able to understand each other? Well, it will raise any eyebrow for sure. But nothing is impossible to God. And finally they agreed as they felt if she’s happy there’s nothing more to it. And that is what any right thinking parent would wish for.

            I was in a shoot when I got the message of their consent. I called up my uncle and told him about it as I didn’t want to speak about this to my parents over phone. My parents were happy about it though a bit sad that I didn’t tell them directly about this. Anyways they were too happy that finally I found a girl. Of course I still wasn’t sure if it’s a dream or reality. I was keeping my fingers crossed because anything might happen in between and it can come to a stand still. My dad was as usual waiting and watching how things swirl. Mom, I guess, was more tensed as evident from what she told Patrick – ‘’I won’t believe it until it has happened.’

            On the said day my uncle came down. And for the best part my brother was in town. We all went together to her house as was the tradition. Her parents were so eager to see me. It was only on seeing me that they could breath a sigh of relief I believe. Because of my nature my parents expected the girl to be modern, in jeans or mini skirts. But to their surprise they saw a sari-clad humble girl. They were so happy on seeing her. 11^th of November, 2011 was set for the engagement to be held in Trivandrum.

            On the said date I got engaged with Iniya in front of my relatives and hers at my uncle’s house in Trivandrum. Thereby it was decided that the much awaited wedding to be held on 28^th December, 2011 at St. Anthony’s Friary Church, Madivala, Bangalore. And on that blessed day a wonderful fairy tale came alive by God’s blessing, thereby uniting me with Iniya, the one whom God specially crafted with His marvelous hands for me.


 

 

 

I thank God for His love, grace and mercy, for His marvelous plans, for creating such a wonderful girl and all the blessings. I also thank Iniya's parents for bringing her up so wonderfully and agreeing to give such a precious one to me. I thank Patrick, Soumya and Melba for being the link between us. I thank my parents for being patient and providing with more than what I needed no matter how much I troubled them. I thank Joy uncle for taking all the pain, right from the childhood till now, and his family for being with us. I thank my brother and sister for being so supportive through out my life. I thank my brother-in-law too for the support that maybe no other brother-in-law will give. I thank my cousin Anitha for being another link that made it possible. I thank another cousin Asha for her support. I also thank Molly aunty for all the guidance, sister aunty for the support. I cannot miss out Kunjaunty and George uncle for the wonderful times. Above all these were their prayers that made this a great story, along with my friends. Thanks a lot.