Who is my Friend

Who is my best friend – is a question I often had to encounter in my life. And I knew very well that most of them who asked me this question expected me to say his/ her name. But I always disappointed every one with my answer. One of my uncles asked me the same question once, and he was shocked to hear me say none.

Those who knew me at least a bit have always seen me with lot of friends around and might find it hard to digest to hear me say I’ve got no friends. They have always seen me as a friend who’s there at any point in time. My parents think I love my friends more than them as I’ve always been there for my friends when they are in need and sacrificed a lot for them, even at the cost of my life, though no one ever knew the magnitude of it.

Yes, I love and care for all my friends. But what is it makes the difference? It raises every eye brow when I say I have no friends. Why is it that with so many friends, a list that most of them envy, I’m still alone? At times I too tried to find out what is a friend for me. And at times I too was perplexed if it’s me who is a friend to all and no one’s a friend for me, or is it that I’m not a friend to any and all are my friends. It was too difficult to ascertain which way it is.
When I think about friendship I always compared myself to both an Oak tree as well as tears; an Oak tree that stands firm against all weather, may it rain or shine, that never keep track of how many birds nest and rest until the time comes when they fly away; and tears that come at times of pain, gives some relief, and then disappear with the pain.

When I compare myself with the Oak tree, I never go in search of friends, but stays where I am. It doesn’t mean that I don’t go out with friends and that I won’t go to a friend who calls me. I do go to my friends who are in need to avoid them take the trouble of coming to my place. Also if I find anyone lonely I approach them to give them company until there is someone else to be with him/her. And, when it comes to friends who find me as a resting place, they may fly away at any time. I give them rest, support them, nurture them, and then finally when they are strong enough they have all the rights to just fly away. Still at any time they can come back and find me right there, when in need, and any time they can go away once they are fine. When ever I get a new friend, the first thing I convince myself is one day or the other we will have to say good bye. And though I knew it hurts my friends to hear this, I have often told them this.
And when it comes to the tears, I’ll be around when a friend is in distress, with a broad shoulder to lean on. Once he or she is out of it I’ll just move away from them. It’s cus I never want to be a burden to anyone. And that’s the reason why I never try to make friends for my sake. I’m of the view that every one necessarily need not like my company.

Most of my friends say that they feel a kind of joy and happiness when I’m around. They might be saying this either cus I give them company when they are in need, or it’s just flattering. But I’m not sure what exactly is there in their mind and what they will tell others at my absence, though I have always been careful enough not to be a nuisance for any, other than for fun. And if for fun I’ve ever troubled anyone I’ve always made it a point to apologize to them personally.

Why is it that I think I’m alone even though I have so many friends? The reason is simple – I have realized that in this world of consumerism even friendship has lost its value. Now you might ask me why I think so when so many friends have told me directly that they love me and I’m second to none other than their parents. Well, I won’t say that what they say is wrong, but it’s the truth behind that friendship that makes me think so. I’ve had friends who were ready to do anything and even lay down their lives for me, something that’s not that usual in friendships. I do realize that. Maybe they love me so much. I moved away even from such friends. And there had been friends who cried when I move away. I still remember a girl who was with me for hardly 2 weeks or so who cried so much when I said I’m changing the batch. Though it hurts at times, I keep telling them, as well as myself that friends are meant to say good bye one or the other day. And I don’t find true meaning in such friendships.

To make it clear, I believe, for a friendship to be true there must be only love and nothing else in between. And I often tell others to love others at least the way I love them. But that is what is lacking everywhere. And the reason for me to believe so is what I’ve found in analyzing the attitude of my friends. Though I don’t , I consider everyone the same, no matter they love me or hate, I’ve realized that it’s what I am and what I do that makes them flock around me.

Few of them are just like fans, who think I’m something great, which makes them consider me as a friend, as it gives them some kind of greatness feeling when they are with me; some others think I’m rich as I spend so much of cash; few think I’m nice, cus I don’t hurt anyone; most of them trust me, cus I always keep secrets they share; and most of them know that I don’t expect anything in return; and the reasons are plenty to cite. But, what if I were not like that? What if I was not capable of doing anything; what if I had not a penny in my pocket; what if I was not trustworthy; what if I wasn’t nice, etc, etc… What would have been my place in their hearts? I’ve always noticed that the same people who say that they love me so much could never love others just as they love me. I don’t find any reason to think of that friendship is real when they can’t love others the way they love me.

And when it comes to telling all goody, goody things about me, I often find it hard to accept. My dad always used to tell me never to believe in those who flatter. And I do follow that. And even if it’s truth that they say, and it seems as though they say that from the bottom of their heart, what always comes to my mind is what most of my friends share with me. They say good things about their friends, they have fun with them, but finally when they come to me they say how much they hate to be with them. And I feel I’m no different from them and maybe there are friends who might think the same about me too. That’s the reason why I never get close to anyone to give them trouble. It’s not that I don’t trust them, but I prefer to be on the safer side. I don’t mind if no one loves me, but I don’t want anyone in this world to hate me, other than for me doing what is right.

If I ever neglect any one, it’s due to various factors. I often keep away from girls since I believe that it often leads to problems for many. Still if I look at the friends who seems to be closer are girls. Maybe it’s cus girls find it difficult to trust anyone. And they don’t open up easily. And most of the girls whom I have as friends are those whom I got to know through other girls. And maybe cus they say that they can trust me that others put their trust in me. Still if they have boyfriends or if they are married, then I try my best to avoid even speaking with them. The reason is that I’ve seen many relationships crumble due to doubts and misunderstanding. And I never want myself to be a cause for someone’s life to spoil.

One of my friends even hid her relationship with her boyfriend fearing that she might lose me. Though I could sense it and I even hinted at it she never revealed it until she was very much sure that I knew everything and I was moving away from her. It’s not that I’m against it, but it’s only cus I give so much importance to relationships that I do so. Once I asked her how she will feel if she’s married and her husband goes to another girl to share his problems and worries. To this she answered that she’ll kill him. And I told her if she comes to me for all support when she has a boyfriend, it’s almost like that.

Also I’ve realized that girls will never lack friends as guys often try to get closer to girls. And girls are very choosy. So I prefer to stay away from them. Another reason for me to neglect anyone is if I found them to be of my stature, then they don’t need a person like me to support. Yet another reason is if I find that that person has got lot of friends around, then they won’t need me around. I’ll only be a nuisance. Also if that person is extraordinary, especially if he/she’s prominent, maybe like a musician, then they’ll never lack friends. They are always flocked around. These are few of the reasons why I neglect anyone. But at the same time, if at any point in life I find that they feel lonely and depressed I’ll be there to support.

And if you are a friend of mine, and if you ever found yourself being neglected by me, then it might be cus of any of the reasons stated above, or it might be cus of others reasons that I might have missed. But please don’t feel that I have anything against you. For me every friend of mine is the same and I don’t consider anyone above or below others, no matter how much they love me or hate me. Cus I believe in the way I look at friendship. Otherwise I wouldn’t dare to say love your friends like I love my friends. You might wonder why I love even those who consider me as enemy. It’s cus I love others not for what they do to me, but it’s just that I love them for no reason.

I’m always open to discussion, as it’s only communication that can clear all doubts and misunderstandings. You may run to me at any point in time if you are worried about anything or depressed.

Though I can never compare it to the love of God, as a human being I believe I love my friends as best as I can. Yet I have my limits and I may not be able to go above that. And to be clear, it doesn’t mean I’ll compromise on few things like, trust, values, etc., etc., for friendship. To be more precise, I won’t support any of my friends to do anything wrong, just cus he/she is my friend.